The Good Fight: A Story About Abi

     When I left Honduras, I thought all of the surprises were over. I thought all of the challenges had been completed, and that I could live comfortably with my memories until July when I go back. I soon found out that that was not true when a baby we took to the hospital later died, and I am having to experience that feeling all over again today. Last night I was informed that one of the girls we met at the orphanage, named Abigail, has passed away.
     Abi had been battling cancer, but you would never know that from her attitude. She had one of the hardest lives imaginable, battling cancer at such a young age while living in an orphanage where she was probably not given all of the comfort and support she needed, and yet I can honestly say that she was one of the happiest people I have ever met. She was always smiling and positive and ready with a hug when I saw her. She had lost a leg and used crutches, and it did not seem to slow her down at all. She had accepted her circumstances and made the best of them, and never complained about all of the things that would have been so easy to complain about. Her attitude was an inspiration to me.
     I know that I am supposed to be happy that Abi is in Heaven and is no longer suffering, and I am. But I am also very sad. I know what it feels like to lose a close friend, and I experienced something very close to that when I found out about Abi. I don't want to try to pretend that I understand this situation, because I really don't. Why would someone have to spend their whole life suffering, and then not even get to experience what it would be like to grow up and hopefully get out of the conditions she had to live in? Abi would have done such great things for her life, but all I can do now is try to accept the fact that this was God's plan for her. I know that she lived her short life with a happiness that some adults will never find, and I am sure that I am not the only person whose life she had an impact on. I don't have a way to tie all of this together with a pretty bow or attach some kind of moral to this tragic story. All I know is that I will always be grateful for what Abi taught me by living the way that she did.

Without a Mother

     Today as I was driving and listening to the radio, and then while I was in Wal-Mart, there where reminders of Mother's Day everywhere. There's nothing strange about that, because it's coming up very soon. But I kept having a weird feeling in my mind like I was forgetting something. I knew I hadn't forgotten about my mother, so I figured I was just frazzled from being in a crowded store. Eventually I got home, turned on my computer to write this blog, and everything clicked. I saw my Honduras pictures and realized that this holiday suddenly has a whole new meaning, because now I have met many children who do not have a mother. Some of them may have lost a mother to death, and some to abandonment and other various situations, but regardless of the reason, all of them are living as children without mothers. I'm not trying to say that they are not being taken care of at all. They have workers that do the best they can, but no one can fully replace a parent.
     They don't have someone to always kiss their scraped knees when they fall, or to make sure they are tucked comfortably into bed at the right time every night. Their basic needs are taken care of, but they don't know what it's like to have the special extra attention that a mother would probably give. No one is there to take pride in their accomplishments and console them in their sorrows. No one to worry about them and discipline them, and to love them unconditionally in the way mothers can. They don't have a mother to do for them all the things that my mother has always done for me, and thinking about that made me really sad.
     It's hard to know where to go with this, because I don't have a solution to this problem. I don't have an idea that will make it all better, and I don't think anyone on earth is capable of that. So where do I go from here? I could just say that they don't have mothers and that's really sad, the end, but that doesn't seem right. I think that this is one of those times where I have to realize that while I can't fix the problem, maybe in some way I can make it a little better. When I return to those children this summer, I can remember the feelings I had today and put extra effort into loving them and paying attention to them without rushing. I can remind them that God loves them like a parent would, and that they are never alone. And I can show you, my readers, a little sliver of insight into the lives of these children and ask you to maybe think about them at this time that is all about something so special and influential that sometimes seems so basic, but that they do not get to have.

I wanted to put as many faces as I could into one place so that everyone could see the children I can't stop talking about.

Too Much Stuff?

     If there's one thing I've learned from the process of moving out of my dorm, it's that I have a lot of stuff. Getting all of that stuff out of my dorm, and sorting it all out now that it's home, is a long process that isn't too exciting to me. It's time consuming and it takes patience, which is something I don't always have.(Fortunately Mama is way better at handling the moving process than I am, so that helps)  But it has made me think about something I often forget, which is that I have a lot to be grateful for. 

    Honestly, I normally wouldn't stop to think about that, but I'm always trying to think of things to blog about, and since most of the things I blog about are inspired by events in my daily life, I was trying to find and interesting way to talk about moving out of my dorm, and that's what came to mind. I was getting annoyed at the moving out process and just ready for it to be done with, when suddenly I was reminded of something I learned in Honduras, which I seem to have forgotten way too quickly. (Yes I know, you're probably getting a little tired of my random Honduras stories, but there's just so many of them and they seem to always fit so well into what I write.) I remembered how the girls I met there would carry around their possessions with them throughout the day in duffel bags on their backs, because they didn't want to leave things in the rooms where they slept and risk them being gone when they came back. That's hard for me to imagine for two reasons. First, because I don't know what it's like to have to constantly guard all of my possessions. The closest I come to even thinking about that is locking my doors when I leave my dorm, but that's just a precaution. The chances of someone trying to take my things are very small compared to what those girls worry about every day. 

     The second reason it's hard for me to imagine is because the fact that these girls can carry all of their earthly possessions in a bag on their backs shows me how much I really do have. While I'm getting frustrated about all of the stuff I have to pack, unpack, sort and put away, there are many people like those girls who hardly have any possessions at all and can't even imagine having the problem of "too much stuff". 

     Sometimes it seems that the more things you have, the happier you will be, but I have always been taught that that's not true, and the girls in Honduras really proved that point. The amount of possessions I have should not be what determines my happiness. I also need to learn how selfish it is of me to complain about having too much stuff. I need to realize that I have a problem that many people would love to have, and they would be a lot more grateful about it than I have been. 

Is "Nail Polish Namer/ Teaching, Writing, Stay at Home Mother" a Valid Career Choice?

     From the time children are very young, they are constantly asked what they want to be when they grow up. It's fun when you're little, because you can answer that question without actually having to think much about it. It's not until you get older that people start steering you towards "growing career fields" and large salaries.  When you're really young and you say you want to be something silly like a princess, people think it's cute.They don't point out to you that there isn't a monarchy in America, and even if there  was, you would have to be born into it.  I remember when I was pretty young, I discovered Nancy Drew books at my grandmothers house, and I loved them. For a while I thought it would be really cool to be a detective like her, until I got a little older and realized that she is a fictional character who is constantly in dangerous situations and isn't earning a salary. I figured out that maybe that wasn't the best career path to take, so I moved on. For a while during my early teen years, me and one of my best friends were convinced we were going to start a photography business together, until I eventually realized that that was highly unlikely to work out, so I moved on again. I eventually decided that I wanted to be a writer, and I decided that journalism was what I wanted to pursue. I stayed with that for a long time, and really enjoyed it. But then, I started to realize that journalism isn't what it used to be. It's being taken over by social media and technology, which isn't a bad thing, but not what I pictured.
     Deciding to consider careers outside of Journalism was a difficult decision for me. It was a dream that I became very attached to and worked hard at, so changing my mind about it was scary. So here I am today, trying to figure out what my path will be in life. Suddenly teaching feels like a good choice, which confuses me because that's something I never even thought about before last summer. ( I guess that's what happens when you go on a mission trip with teachers!) But I also admire the way my mother stayed home and raised me for 16 years, and when I have children I think I want to raise them that way. I also don't want to give up writing, because I love it and I find satisfaction in it. Writing helps me process my thoughts, and helps me feel calm and clear headed. Oh and by the way, how do you get to be the person who names the nail polish colors?  I think that would be so fun. (Okay so I'm joking about that last one..kind of.)
So suddenly here I am at almost 19 years old, and I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with my life. That makes me feel strange, because I'm not good with waiting. I want to know what the goal is right now, so that I know what steps I need to take to get there. I want to know if I'm ever going to get married, so I can figure out if the stay at home mom thing is even an option. I worry that I won't ever pass all of the classes I need or get the GPA I need to continue to a 4 year school. I want to know for certain that I am choosing a path that I can be happy with, because careers are pretty much for life. Thankfully, I have my parents to calm my overactive mind and remind me to focus on short term goals that will make the long term goals possible.My mom is really good at helping me understand what needs to be done in the present, in order for my future plans to be possible.  I remember when I was still in high school and my dad took me to look at a college that was out of state that I had heard was a good journalism school. We looked around for a while, but I just had a weird feeling about it. He pointed out what I was already starting to realize, that it was going to be way too expensive unless I got lots of money from the government for things I don't feel right getting money for. ( I don't believe I should get paid for having a disability.) I also probably wouldn't even get into that school with the low GPA I had. I'm pretty sure he knew that I wouldn't want to use the "getting money" option, and now I realize that he probably knew when he took me there that I wouldn't be attending that school. But when we got back in the car after looking around, he told me something that I will never forget. I don't remember exactly what words he used, but he said that no matter what I thought I wanted to do or tried to do, God's plan for me is what would ultimately end up happening. I thought that was such a profound thing to say, and it was a moment that has stuck with me ever since. He also told me that he wanted to be happy with what I did, and that was more important than how much money I made.
I constantly have to remind myself that God's plan is bigger than what is happening in my life at a particular moment. When I am panicking about everything falling into place and knowing what the end result will be, He is trying to prepare me for what he has planned for later. It's frustrating for my impatient mind to be still and wait, but I am trying to get better at that. I'm learning to live in today, and let God take care of tomorrow. I bet He has a pretty great career picked out for me.

But Then She Grew Up

No one ever called her beautiful, or even pretty really, and she noticed that. She was the girl who everyone called “nice” and “sweet”. At her young, vulnerable age, those were not the adjectives she wanted by her name. She wanted to remove “nice” and “sweet” and replace them with “beautiful” and “pretty” She was good at noticing things, and she realized that pretty is what mattered to the world at her age. Many people told her that what’s on the inside is more important than outer beauty, but she wasn't ready to believe it. She was mad at her body, mad because it didn't work the way it was supposed to, mad because it wouldn't let her be an athlete, or even wear cute outfits  without having to cover up things. Mad that it was all scarred up as a result of ugly surgeries, which were a necessary evil she wished she could forget. Mad that it was flawed in ways that couldn't be hidden.

    But then she grew up. She deliberately chose to try to love herself. She began to understand that pretty will only take you so far, and in the real world you need some other qualities to get by. She realized that pretty won’t help you pass your classes, or get you genuine friends. Pretty doesn't cause permanent happiness. Pretty won’t get you to heaven.

    To be completely honest, she still didn't look in the mirror and  see a beautiful girl. She still didn't like to look at pictures of herself. Her scars and imperfections were still there, and they always would be, but she began to realize that they were permanent symbols of everything she had survived, like imperfect badges of honor. She began to find happiness in more important things. She began to spend less time thinking about what she looked like and more time focusing on making friends and being present in the moment. She began to take pride in her accomplishments and that pride helped start the rebuilding of her confidence.

    She accepted that she would never be beautiful by the world’s standards, and accepting that fact allowed her to get on with the business of living life. So she would never be the beautiful one everyone was mesmerized by, and she would never be one of those girls who is constantly complimented on her looks. She realized now that there were positive qualities about herself that she could focus on, instead of the things she didn't like. Now she finally knew that even though she would still go through days when her confidence was low, she would find a way to be okay, because for the first time she saw beauty inside herself that couldn't be reflected into a mirror.

Young Jennie who was not yet worried about the world's opinions of her, and older Jennie, who is trying to regain that state of mind.

10 Things I Learned From My Freshman Year of College

1. Just call all professors "professor". Some people are really obsessed with the letters behind their

names and the titles that go with them, and "professor" is way easier to remember that Dr Her Royal Highness Queen of Higher Education. (Okay so maybe that's a slight exaggeration but they sure do love those titles)

2. Sleep when you can. The whole concept of going to sleep at night and waking up in the morning does not apply to college, and naps are suddenly acceptable again.

3. Go to events that offer free food. When you do all of your own grocery shopping and food preparing, you start to understand how exciting it is to eat food that you didn't have to prepare or pay for.

4. Get out of your dorm. Make sure you actually leave your room at some point and participate in activities. That's how you meet people. Your T.V. will still be there when you get back.

5. That stuff they warned you about is real. I was probably a little more innocent and naive than most people entering in college, which is why it took me a little while to adjust to the fact that all that stuff they teach you not to do in all of those DARE sessions in middle school is actually a reality. Luckily I realized that just because something is available doesn't mean it's a good idea. I'm going to need my internal organs and my sanity for a long time, so I don't want to cause unnecessary damage. (parents and concerned adults,  please erase what you just read from your memory and know that I know how to behave :) )

6. Don't forget to study. Maybe there are some people who can get through college without studying, but I'm not one of them. Few things are more satisfying than passing a test after working really hard to prepare for it

7. People will question you, so be ready. As a college student, I have met people with many different opinions and beliefs, and I have had to learn to be ready to defend my point of view and to listen politely to opinions that I don't necessarily agree with. I am happy that I am learning how to be more outspoken.

8. Don't forget to have fun. Studying is important, but college is one of the only times in life you will get to hang out with your friends pretty much whenever you want, so don't forget to enjoy that.

9. You will be okay, it's not as hard as you think it is. I remember when I first came to college, I was very excited but also had a small secret worry that I would fail at the whole being independent thing. I did just fine.

10. Distance doesn't ruin relationships that are real. 
I have come to realize that real friendships don't go away just because I don't live near my old friends. I still talk to all of my good friends from home, and my friendships with them have continued to grow while I have been making new friends here. Also, I learned that family will always be family, and no matter how I am, my parents will always be my parents, and though I may not always seem thrilled about it, I am glad that I will always be supported and cared for no matter how old I get.

Throwback to Honduras Volume 3: Making Margarita Smile

     Well, the end is in sight. One final done, two to go. Today my mental energy is consumed by studying and preparing to move out of my dorm, so it feels like a good day to take a break from coming up with new topics to share another Honduras memory. Today I want to tell you about Margarita. She is one of the girls I met who really made a big impact about me.
     Margarita never said a word to me. I'm not sure exactly what her situation is, but she doesn't talk, and I often saw her sitting alone. One of the first days we were there, something made me decide to go sit by her. I guess that in a way, I know what it's like to feel different and alone, and I felt drawn to her. I didn't really know what to do at first, I knew she probably wasn't going to talk to me, and i didn't know enough Spanish to say much to her. I did know how to say hello, so I did, multiple times. I'm not sure how long I was sitting with her that day, but during that time, the interaction I had with her left me feeling like I had met a long lost friend.

A picture of Margarita that I keep on my desk. 

I love how she always has that peaceful look in her eyes, despite her circumstances.

     I felt kind of silly just sitting there saying "Hola" over and over again, and Margarita must have agreed, because gradually a smile began to appear on her face. The moment I saw that smile is hard to describe adequately, because it was such a personally significant moment for me. In that moment, I felt validated. I realized that I was on a real mission trip for a real reason. I stopped blaming myself for all the things I couldn't do, and stopped comparing what I was doing to what everyone else was doing. I realized that sitting on the floor with Margarita in that moment was something that God planned, even if it wasn't exhausting work.
     Over the next few days, I spent much more time with Margarita. I made sure I hugged her and spent some time with her each day, and I got to see many more of her smiles that I loved so much. Saying goodbye to her at the end of our trips was one of the hardest moments ever.
     There's something special about Margarita. Maybe you have to meet her to fully understand it, but she just means so much to me that I had to tell you about her. Margarita helped me understand that everyone has a purpose and no person's purpose is more or less important than anyone else's. Though I'm still working on it, she helped me to begin to realize that my differences don't make me less significant than anyone else. I am so glad I met her, and although I know the chances are small, I hope that I am lucky enough to see her again this summer. Either way, I will always remember her smile, and the lesson she taught me without saying a word.

Me with Margarita and another girl who meant a lot to me, Aracely. It's not a good picture of me, but I love it because I am with both of them