Hope in All Seasons

 When I started this blog, I was in a very happy season of life. I was still feeling the positive changes in my perception of myself that happened in Honduras, and I was busy with college life. It's not that I've gone all the way back to the unhappiness I felt most of the time before Honduras, but these past few weeks have not been the happiest of my life. I am trying to remain happy and optimistic despite my unsuccessful job search (9 attempts and zero successes so far), the lack of constant solid friendships in my life right now, and my very limited social life. Now I will admit that I am showing hints of just being a melodramatic teenager, but in all honesty these things are weighing me down. In seasons of life that feel like this, it is hard to constantly think of things to talk about that are happy and uplifting. So today, I just decided to be honest. Right now I feel worn out from always trying to "look on the bright side", and so I'm not going to try to come up with some positive spin on all of these feelings.
What I will do is try to remind myself that this is not a permanent season of my life, and that there are plenty of good things happening in my life that I need to focus on. This morning I went to the beach service that our church has on occasion, and it was a very refreshing experience. The message, although bittersweet, was very comforting and something about being out on the beach that early in the morning was very peaceful.

The beach is actually a very nice place to be at 8 AM. Who knew?

Although going to that service didn't take away any of the things I am dealing with, and they are still on my mind, I was able to find a little bit of peace. I was reminded that through all seasons of life there is hope, and hope is a powerful thing. I may not be thrilled about how my life is going right now, but because of hope, I can believe that they can change for the better at any time.

Welcome Back

     Today I went to the bank to cash a check for my trip to Honduras in July, and as I walked up to the teller I was met by a greeting that took me by surprise. I guess she recognized me from my other recent trips to cash checks, so maybe the "welcome back" shouldn't have been such a surprise, but it caused me to think. Now, please know that I am in no way trying to brag. This is not really "my money", it is just something I need for this trip and it is something I do not take for granted.
     Because there are so many people in my life who are willing to support me, in financial and other ways, I am going to be able to go back to Honduras and experience again one of the best times of my life. That is, in a way, another way of being "welcomed back". It amazes me how many people are so willing to support me and seem to have so much confidence in me. People are willing to be generous and trusting enough to invest in me and this trip, and believe that their funds are being put to good use, and that's really amazing.

Came home from cashing one check to find another in the mail.

     Fundraising is sometimes my least favorite part of the trip, because of the stress it involves. It is an important step in forming a friendship with the rest of the team, but it also brings to light the fact that a certain amount of money is necessary for this trip to happen, which stresses people out. When I sent out fundraising letters I felt a little strange about it, but the result has been a positive one.
     I guess my point in all of this rambling about money and fundraising is that I have learned a lesson from it. Money is necessary for mission trips, but it is also just an object. Pieces of paper and little coins that when added up, allow us to go experience this trip and do what we feel we have been called to do. Again, I am no way trying to brag, I am very thankful for the generosity of so many people. If you want to take advice from a teenager who has no business handing out financial tips, this is what I would say. Money is a necessary part of this mission trip, but, to me, it does not define the trip. It is simply part of the process to get where we are called to go. I have learned that money is a big thing, but God is bigger, and I hope I never let money stand in the way of something I feel I am meant to do.

The 50th Post

     Today marks the 50th time I have written a post for this blog, and it seems like I just started. I am so surprised and thankful for the amount of support I've gotten already. I can't believe so many people take the time to see what I have to say so often. Sometimes I feel silly doing this, but I have discovered that people really are getting something out of reading what I write, and that makes me very excited.
     I didn't really have a goal in mind when I started out with this, I just thought it would be a fun thing to try. As of right now, I have decided that I want to try to blog every other day for a year at least. I thought that since I have reached this little milestone I would share with you my goals for the blog.
     In July when I go to Honduras, I am hoping to bring my computer with me and blog from there so I can tell you all about the trip as it is happening. The place we stayed at had Wi-Fi last year, so I am hoping that plan will work out. I think it will be exciting for me to be able to share that experience with you while I am experiencing it as well.
     The other thing I want to do is to broaden the content of the blog. I think my main focus will always be writing about my thoughts like I do now, but there are other things I want to try and incorporate. I definitely want to start using actual photographs sometimes instead of always using a quote for the picture. I have even thought about doing things like reading a book and reviewing it or something like that.
     Whatever happens, I am very excited with how this is going so far. I am having fun and learning to share my thoughts in a somewhat mature and productive way, and people seem to have positive reactions, and that's really all I could ask for.

   

Lessons From Folding Laundry

     Sometimes there are lots of exciting things going on in my life that I can't wait to blog about, and sometimes I can hardly think of anything at all. Today was one of those days. Today my day consisted mostly of helping with the laundry and running a few errands, and although it feels good to be helpful, it was not a particularly exciting day.
    Lately it seems like my life is suffering from a lack of excitement. I have had to realize that I'm not always going to have friends to do fun things with 24/7, because that's just part of life. I guess part of growing up is accepting that you can't have fun all the time. But right now I just feel discouraged. I don't have a job, and it's not for lack of trying to get one. I'm glad to be helping at home, but household chores just feel so repetitive sometimes. I admire my mother for running a household for all of these years, because I am already having restless moments and I've only been helping with a small part of everything for about a week.
     So since I am too stubborn to break my schedule and just not blog on boring days, I had to come up with something to say. It's not the most exciting thing you'll ever read, but maybe that's okay for right now. I guess the conclusion I came to is that I have to realize that even though chores aren't new and exciting, they are a necessary part of life. In order for a household to run smoothly, there are things that need to get done on a daily basis. I was intrigued by the verse below, because it mentions that women should attend to the ways of the household. That's definitely not something that our culture stresses to women, and probably seems old fashioned. But the Bible is not stamped with an expiration date, and it's not something we can change over time to fit our culture. So the next time I am bored with the work of helping out around the house, I will try to remind myself that although it's not exciting or glamorous, it's all part of what Godly women do. It might take me a while to be excited about that, but I still have some growing up left to do.

What I Don't Believe

 

 There are some feelings that should be kept private and not broadcast over the internet. That is something that can easily be forgotten when feelings are really strong and it's so easy to just carelessly type something without thinking much about it. Since I've started this blog, Iv'e tried to be very careful about being mature about what I say and I try not to publish a post before praying about it, because I don't want to get so caught up in my own love of writing that I say something out of line. There has been a topic I have wanted to blog about for a long time that I have always been afraid too because I don't know what people will think, but I feel like now is the time. I don't have that many readers right now, and I doubt any of you are particularly concerned with arguing with a blog written by and 18 year old, so after a lot of thought and prayer, I'm just going to do it.
     When I was about 16, I started encountering a situation that, for lack of better words, really freaked me out. I was at the age where I finally had a license and could go places by myself, so that's probably why it started happening around that time.The first time I remember it happening is in the locker room at the YMCA. I was minding my own business, doing what you do in a locker room, when I was approached by a woman who handed me a little piece of paper and invited me to her church to be "healed".  Now I want to remind you that I had never seen this woman before in my life, and I was minding my own business trying to get dressed so I could go home, not to mention I was only 16 or 17 years old. I had no idea what to say, so I just mumbled something and got out of there as fast as I could.
     This type of situation has happened again several times, most frequently in Wal-Mart, and here's why I have issues with it. A stranger approaching a teenager for any reason is already slightly awkward, but the fact that people feel the need to go out of their way to tell me that there is something wrong with me that they have noticed and want to fix just seems downright rude to me. By inviting me to these "healings", people are essentially saying that God has told them that my disability needs to be taken away from me, and that he for some reason needs their help in this process.
     The way I see it is this. God does not make mistakes, and he didn't accidentally give me this disability. Even though I don't know what it is, I know there is a reason for it. Furthermore, if he decided to take it away from me, I don't think he would need to enlist the help of other people. Being put in this awkward situation at such a young age was a very uncomfortable situation for me. I didn't know how to react to being approached by strangers about something I didn't consider to be any of their business in the first place. Had I not had this experience, I might me a little more likely to believe in "healing" if I was someone else with a different life, but because of the circumstances, it is not something that I have any faith in. I believe that God can heal people if he wants to, but at this point in my life I don't agree with people who feel that they need to be part of this process. It has been a struggle for me to understand this situation, because I know that there are many people who strongly believe in this concept, but I just don't agree. I have just had to learn to accept that it is a situation that I am probably always going to encounter from time to time, and stand by my beliefs about it. Having to put a lot of careful thought into determining my beliefs about a situation like this has taught me a lot about my faith. I do not feel like I am being disobedient by having these beliefs, and I feel proud when I can present them maturely and be confident about them.

Finding the Balance: An Exploration in Forgiveness

     Sometimes I feel like what I am supposed to do and what it would make sense to do are the polar opposite. This is an issue I often have with forgiveness. I always find the "70 times 7" verse and the "turn the other cheek" verse when I'm looking for verses about forgiveness, but my brain tells me that if I keep on constantly forgiving people for the same thing, I am just going to get hurt again. So my struggle is, where do I draw the line? Do I take that verse literally and forgive everyone exactly 490 times? Somehow I don't think that's how it's supposed to go. I think it means I am supposed to forgive as many times as is necessary, but that seems like a bad idea to the logical side of my mind because once I make the decision to forgive, I worry that it seems like I'm giving permission for people to hurt me again. I'm tempted to think that people will figure out that I will keep forgiving them and think that they can get away with continuously hurting me.
     I am at a place in life right now where I am realizing that there is a certain way I expect to be treated, and I have accused several times (not by reasonable adults, thankfully) of expecting too much. I am having to learn the hard way that expecting to be respected can leave people with the impression that my standards are too high or that I am overreacting. I have often worried that by expecting to be treated a certain way, I am not being forgiving like I'm supposed to be, but on the other hand, I don't think God expects me to be a doormat and allow everyone to walk all over me. I am having to find a balance between respecting myself and being obedient to God, and it has been hard.
     So I guess what I'm doing right now is trying to find the perfect balance.I haven't been able to find a specific verse or had a moment of realization on the answer to this problem so far, but I'm not ready to give up just yet.  There must be a way to be a forgiving person without allowing myself to be constantly taken advantage of, and I hope I find it soon.

Realizing Who I Am

Missionary-a person sent on a religious mission, especially one sent to promote Christianity in a foreign country.

     In the past, when people have referred to me as a missionary after hearing about my trip to Honduras, I have always felt a little unworthy of the title. I have always pictured missionaries as people who go to dangerous places and sleep in tents or huts or something and talk about Jesus all day. When I was in Honduras, I really felt like I was doing more playing than preaching.  In the same way, I always brush it off when people say I am a good writer. I guess it's just part of my personality to be really reluctant to accept compliments. But today has been a day of realization for me, and here's why.
     Today someone told me that I really am a good writer, and something finally clicked in my head. People say that to me frequently, and I always convince myself that they are just being polite. But when it was said to me today, something changed and I realized that it's been said enough times by enough people that maybe I should start to believe it. Maybe I need to realize that acknowledging my talent isn't arrogant, and that I should embrace it and be thankful for it. 
    In a similar way, I finally understood today as I was sitting around the table with my mission team that the term "missionary" can apply to me. I am a person who is preparing to go on a second mission trip, and although I don't really like the wording "promote Christianity" I am trying to share the love of God with people. I have come to understand that sometimes the first step to sharing that love is just to make a connection, and the best way to connect with children is to interact with them and let them know that you care.  I don't have to be walking dangerous streets preaching at everyone I meet to be considered a missionary.

    So I guess the lesson of the day today was that I need to work on acknowledging things 
about myself when people mention them.I guess acknowledging my talents and being proud of the things I feel called to do is not arrogant unless I start to brag about it. I think it's time for me to start learning how to accept compliments and acknowledge who I am becoming. I am a missionary, I am a good writer, and I am learning to be proud of myself. 

Our mission team (minus two members), enjoying dinner after our hard work passing out flyers for our next fundraiser.

Joy and Amy are ready to drive to Honduras right now!