This is Important

People sometimes tell me that I'm wise, which is a compliment that makes me feel very good , but sometimes I have a hard time believing it. Sometimes I spend too much mental energy comparing myself to other people, and sometimes I have negative emotions I can find no solid explanation for. During those times, I do not feel wise at all. I think everyone feels this way sometimes, it just might be harder for people like me to get over. I have learned that even in these times, if I can find something that gives me a feeling a purpose, then I can find my happiness. Right now, I have a very strong sense of purpose thanks to my job.
The thing about working with children, I've learned, is that although they can be extremely stubborn, they are also extremely resilient. Just when I'm ready to lose my temper and start complaining, something always happens that pulls me right back in. A few weeks ago, it was an unexpected question from a camper who wasn't having the best day.
"Jennie, am I a good person or a bad person?" Where did that come from, I thought to myself, you were just playing baseball with your friends, and now you're suddenly pondering moral philosophy? Whatever the source of this question may have been, I was able to answer it and then talk to this camper for a few minutes, and by the time he high fived me and went back to his game, I think we were both in a better mood.
This low paying, temporary job is important. Because children, frustrating as they can be at times, are very valuable people who happen to be extremely impressionable. And three days a week, a group of children whose backgrounds I don't always know, are watching me. They are watching the way I carry myself, and the way I treat them, and that, in some small way, is impacting  how they think about themselves and their place in the world.
Sometimes I don't feel great about myself, but then again, sometimes I do. Because I am doing something that matters, something that I really enjoy getting up in the morning to go do. It helps make me feel like I have a purpose, and that is important.

Young Adults Aren't Ruining Your Church

     I recently had a birthday, and now I'm officially no longer a teenager, which is something I'm pretty happy about, because I was really starting to outgrow that phase of life. Now, I guess I am what society calls a "young adult", a label that often comes with negative connotation when spoken by "older adults", and unfortunately, sometimes within the church. 

     For example, I googled the phrase "young adults in church", and the results I got were even more harsh than I expected. Of the top 6 results, 4 were about young adults leaving the church, one was about how to increase young adult participation, and the sixth was a particularly spiteful piece entitled "Reaching out to young adults will screw up your church" (The author didn't capitalize the whole title so I left it that way). I skimmed this article to get an idea of what this author was talking about, and although I think they were just attempting to ruffle some feathers and start a conversation, I was not impressed. The following is my response to all of these negative words about a group that I consider myself part of.

     I consider myself a young adult, and I don't believe I am ruining, or even hurting, my church. I am in an awkward phase of being to old for youth group but still trying to be a role model and being present when I think it will be helpful, and also being the youngest person present when I participate in non youth group activities. There isn't really anyone my age who actively attends my church, but I still feel very comfortable there because I've learned how to interact with people who are both younger and older than me. I have been taught to respect my elders, and I enjoy learning from people who have more experience and wisdom than I do. I also am particularly proud of our youth, and even though they are younger than me, I learn so much from them and I'm so proud of the way they share their faith at an age when it is extremely difficult and scary to do so.

It is easy to get caught up in the trend our society has created and say the phrase "young adult", with contempt, shaking your head and picturing all of the chaos we might create, but I urge you to consider a different perspective. Now, I try not to be to obvious talking about specific people on my blog, but I think in this case it would be helpful to have real examples of young adults in the church who have made a positive impact on my life. I know many of you who read this will know exactly who I'm talking about even though I tried my best to be vague, and I considered leaving this part out for that very reason, but I decided it was important, so I hope you will not lose sight of the point of this whole article because it contains some obvious specific references to real people who you may know.

When I was still an awkward high school student, someone who would fit the young adult description became one of my youth leaders, and it was one of the best things that happened for me and my personal faith during that phase of my life. At that age, it was so inspiring to see someone not too much older than me make an intentional effort to be an active part of our church. It taught me that my twenties don't have to be a time where I go wild and depart from the church, creating memories that I will discuss as examples of what not to do when I'm ready to leave those wild times behind and rejoin the congregation. I can think of several other people in our congregation who have disproved society's harsh theory, and shown me that outgrowing youth group does not have to result in a temporary end to my participation in our church family. 

Young adults aren't ruining your church. If your church is like mine, they aren't your biggest demographic, but they are powerful. They are an inspiration to youth, who otherwise might think that young adulthood and church are not compatible. When I was an impressionable youth, I had young adults in my church to look up to, and now that I myself have entered this new phase of life, I will try my best to follow the strong example of leadership and participation in the church that they set for me. I am a young adult, and I will not ruin the church. 

A Good Day

Today, I stood in front of about 40 children and talked to them about something I've spent my life trying to avoid talking about. I did it because my boss wanted me to, and you don't say no to your boss four days into a job. But I also did it for myself. There aren't many times in life where I get to explain my disability from my own perspective without being interrupted, and if I can explain it to children while they're young so they don't become the adults who gawk at me in Wal-mart, I'm all for that.
    Even though I could see the advantages of talking about this subject when I was asked to do it, I was very nervous about going against my natural instinct of shifting the focus away from my differences. I've gotten pretty good at staying within my comfort zones and deflecting away from what I don't want to acknowledge, but that was not the plan for today
The thing that was most meaningful to me about the whole experience was that they genuinely listened. All of them listened, for the whole time. Anyone who has any experience working with children would probably agree that was nothing short of miraculous. And when I gave them a chance to ask questions, they did, and I answered them.
A whole group of children listened to me and respected me, and for the first time in a while I made an effort to respect myself. I stopped telling myself that people who drop out of mission trips for reasons they can't even fully explain have no business blogging about their faith. I had something to write, and so I wrote it, because that is what I would encourage a child to do. I began to try to treat myself how I try to treat children, being patient and forgiving.
I've come to believe that working with children is 90 percent feeling like they're not listening to you and you're getting nowhere, and 10 percent touching, Hallmark movie style breakthrough moments that suck you right back in and make you think that working with children is the greatest job in the world. Today, I got every bit of that 10 percent.

The Right Thing.

     There are some things that are difficult to write about, even for someone like me who likes writing and maybe could be considered good at it. Things like disappointment, confusion, and failure. I have been learning recently that sometimes the right thing and the easy thing aren't the same thing, and it's a hard lesson. Unless you're in elementary school or living an outlandishly spoiled lifestyle somehow, you're not always going to get rewarded for doing the right thing, and you may even feel hurt and sad. You may lose opportunities that look good on the surface, and friendships that are comfortable even if they are not entirely functional. So what's the point? Why keep doing what you know is right if it's making you unhappy, and why say no to things that aren't right for you if you could probably get by doing them and be just fine, and maybe even happier? I've been thinking a lot about this lately, and this verse came to my mind. 

If I just do what will make me happy now, even if I feel that it's not what God is calling me to do, I ignore His plan and probably miss out on something better He has planned for the future. But if I endure this sadness now, there could be greater things in the future that I don't know about yet. I know that I will sometimes fail at this because I am young, human and flawed. I know that I still feel sad sometimes even though I am doing the right thing. But in the end, when God's plan is finally revealed more fully and I can look back on this time with a different perspective, maybe then, in the end, the right thing will be the easy thing.

It Was Good

     Sometimes life doesn't happen the way you plan for it to. Sometimes, despite what you're told when you're little, you try your best and it still isn't enough. And sometimes, when you're trying to write a blog post whining about how hard life is, your WiFi stops working.
     So let's regroup. College is hard. Mission trips, and lots of other things, are expensive. People change and so do friendships. Doing what you know is right doesn't always feel rewarding immediately, maybe never. Life is just tough sometimes, and I've really been feeling that lately. But there are so many good things happening at the same time, and in the 30 seconds the WiFi stopped working, I thought about them.
     I have lots of good friends, some exciting plans for the summer, and confidence that most of the decisions I have made for myself are steering me in the right direction, even if I am travelling at a painfully slow pace. Everything is okay, and I think sometimes we just need to pause and remember that. Lately whenever I feel really stressed, a Bible verse has been coming to my mind that reminds me that everything will be just fine. When God created the world, he saw that it was good. He knew what he was doing, and he still does. We can only see our lives from the place where we are at the moment, but God can see what's ahead of us, because it's what he created for us. And he saw that it was good.

The Big Things

     Last weekend, I came home and brought my roommate from school with me, and her head must have been spinning trying to keep track of all of the family and friends I introduced her too. We eventually ended up at my Grandma's house, where we began looking at photo albums. It seemed like nothing out of the ordinary at first, but it soon became one of those moments where suddenly, in the middle of an ordinary day, you have a realization about life that just leaves you speechless for a little while
     For just a few minutes, sitting beside Grandma and laughing about pictures from the past, I forgot about all of the little things that were worrying me, and just felt genuinely happy. I know this sounds cheesy, but I thought about all that Grandma has been through in more than eighty years of living to reach that one happy moment sitting there looking at pictures. I realized that when I worry about things on a day to day basis, they seem like a big deal, but when I look back on things that worried me in the past, I can hardly remember all of the details that once seemed so big and important.
      Looking back on years of memories captured in photograph form, many before I was even born, I gained a new perspective. Right now, there are many things that worry me, and problems that I just can't see a solution to, but they are all temporary. One day, many years from now, I hope I will be the one reminiscing with my grandchildren, and in that moment, summer jobs and math classes will be the furthest thing from my mind. I will be looking back on all of the good things that happened in the midst of all the worrying I do, and I will be truly happy.

Enjoy the little things in life, because one day you'll look back and realize they were the big things

The Rarity of Rainbows

       The story of Noah's Ark was always one of my favorite Bible stories as a child, and I guess it honestly still is. I love that it features so many animals, and I love that they all had to get on a boat. Can you imagine trying to get an elephant or a lion on a boat? But despite my fascination with the animals, I shouldn't forget what else was going on, and the enormous stress Noah was under as the whole world around him was washed away. When it was all over, God sent a rainbow as a reminder that this would never happen again.

Just as I love this story, I love when rainbows show up, as I think many people do.
     Friday, I decided to drive to the store when I noticed that it looked like a storm was on the way, in an attempt to beat the storm and get back soon enough to not get rained on. Smart, right? My timing was not successful, and a complete downpour began just as I arrived at the store. I waited for it to calm down a little before going in, and by the time I came back out it, the rain had stopped completely. The sky that had been absolutely pouring down rain just a few minutes ago was now decorated with the biggest, brightest rainbow I have ever seen.  By the time I took a picture of the rainbow and sent it off into the world of social media, it was already beginning to fade, and within a few minutes it was completely gone. This made me wonder why God didn't decide to make this symbol of his promise a permanent feature in the sky, instead of a rare and quick thing. Maybe there's a theologically correct reason for this that has already been explained, but i don't know about it, so I'll just share my thoughts.
     Maybe God knows that people like me sometimes need a little encouragement to renew our faith when we start to worry about things. So sometimes, he'll let us have a phone call from a friend at just the right time, an unexpected kind word from a stranger, and every once in a while, he'll time a rainstorm right in the middle of a sunny day, and afterwords put a huge rainbow in the sky for us to see as if to say, "What are you worrying for? I'm right here!" If there was constantly a rainbow in the sky, we would probably forget it's significance and barely notice it. Instead of a rare reminder, it would just be another everyday thing taken for granted
Noah kept his faith when the whole world around him was being destroyed, and I need to learn a lesson from him. Instead of panicking and expecting the worst when things don't immediately happen the way they want to, I need to rely on my faith and trust that the storms of my life will end with a rainbow. I'm working on having a faith strong enough to stand without needing reminders, but until I accomplish that, I'm glad there are rainbows.