Monday, October 19, 2015

A Different Kind Of Important.

A few months ago, I made a post called "This is Important", about how I felt a sense of purpose working as a camp counselor. I don't have that job anymore, and when it was over, a big chunk of my sense of purpose went with it. Really, I tried to find purpose in many things before that job even started, it just happened to be one of my more successful attempts because I was actually doing something that had true value. I know that my ultimate purpose should be found in serving God, and I'm working on that. But working with children made me feel needed, like I was essential to something bigger than myself. In a way, I think it was my method of serving God, and I miss it very much.
     Right now, there are no children for me to help with homework every afternoon, no orphans I'm called to travel hundreds of miles to hug. Friends I assumed I would be close to forever moved away and lost touch, or stopped needing my listening ear when their own circumstances improved. I had to learn the hard way that sometimes when people don't need you anymore, they overlook the fact that you might need them.
     I am not essential to anything that is happening around me. Being around children so much, I got used to being needed. As exhausting as it was, I didn't realize how much satisfaction I got from that experience until it was over. I knew that a summer job was not going to lead to a permanent sense of purpose in my life, and I have to accept that my time at that job was just a season that has passed. Another season has begun, and I'm not sure yet exactly what kind of weather this season will bring.
     I can only guess that maybe this season of my life is not about being needed, but about admitting my own needs. Maybe while I'm trying to figure out my place in the world, I'm being given a chance to lean on the wisdom and friendship of others and learn how to be the one who needs, instead of the one who is needed. It's impossible to know when this season will end, or in what way. However lengthy or brief it turns out to be, I hope I can learn to appreciate every season of life, because like the seasons of the year, each one is beautiful in it's own way.

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