Thursday, August 28, 2014

How to Be a Billionaire With an Organized Home, Well Behaved Children, and Perfectly Exfoliated Skin.

Okay so maybe that title is slightly over dramatic, but I have a plan. Lately I have been in a rut, because I've been thinking too hard about what to write. I've been trying to answer really big questions about why certain things happen the way they do, and I just need a break from all of that deep thinking. I know the title seems pretty far fetched, but I am really going to tell you how to do each of these things, so keep reading!

How to be a Billionaire  I have no idea, but I'll give you my best guess. Invent a really simple thing with a really fancy name and then advertise it on late night T.V. People who are up that late will probably be college students or mothers of young children who are to exhausted to realize that they don't need to buy your $49.95 Solar Foot Warmers because they could just put on socks. But a word of caution, being a billionaire probably isn't as great as it sounds. You'll have to pay a ton of taxes and probably spend much of your life talking to your accountant on the phone, and you'll miss out on some great things in life like talking to children  (because billionaires usually hire people for that) and knowing the joy of purchasing a snack from a vending machine with change you found under your bed.

How to Have an Organized Home Well you've come to the wrong place for that one, but I'll try. Organization isn't my most prominent talent, but you should ask my mother. I think it has something to do with remembering to put things away and owning lots of containers. Oh and de-cluttering. I've gotten to the
point where I can be pretty well organized if I remember to try, and it's nice to know where things are and not be wondering all the time. Just remember that in today's world,we're obsessed with labeling everyone so if you're organized you have OCD and if you're not you're a hoarder. And if you're somewhere in the middle you don't get to be on a T.V. show.

How to Have Well Behaved Children It always amuses me how adults tend to think this is some big mystery. Everyone is searching for the perfect method of discipline and training that will turn their children into polite little angels. The truth is, children are basically just little adults who haven't developed filters yet. They have many of the same thoughts we do, they just haven't realized that some of those thoughts shouldn't be said out loud. And wouldn't we all just like to throw a good tantrum sometimes? I'm a 19 year old college student
and you really should get your advice  on child raising from someone that has actually, well, raised a child, but I happen to like children so I'll give it a shot. All you really need is a little common sense and a lot of love.  Also, "no" is a very useful word. And please remember to hold their hands in parking lots. Thanks.

How to Have Perfectly Exfoliated Skin Well judging by the fact that the "makeup expert" at Ulta stared at me with a puzzled look for a good thirty seconds before declaring that I have "combination skin" and recommending some primer that I'm 99% sure is made of angel wings because it's so wonderful, I am not a good person to ask about this one. Maybe the best answer is to stop trying for perfect. Maybe we would all be happier if we could learn that we are never going to look like people in magazines because our faces don't come with built-in Photoshop. And besides, everyone else is probably too busy worrying about their imperfections to notice yours. Not everyone has perfect skin, but I bet you have a great smile, or pretty hair, or nice teeth. Just think of all of the people that love you the way you are and hopefully that will help you love yourself.

So there you have it, some good old fashioned unqualified advice. I hope it is as fun to read as it was to write, and I hope you will not hold me legally responsible for whatever happens if you choose to follow this advice.

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