Monday, January 25, 2016

A Hard Thing to Write About

I have struggled with periods of loneliness since (I think) around the seventh grade. I did part of seventh grade at home because I had just had a pretty major surgery, and then returned to school with a clunky black "air boot" cast on each leg. In my absence, my peers had changed. Apparently, boys were no longer gross, and that turned many girls against each other. Everyone else was focused on boyfriends, dances, and gossiping, while I was simply trying not to fall down or leave too many scuff marks in the hallway as I clobbered along in those unsightly boots. Shockingly, boys weren't into that look. I can't imagine why. Looking back on that time in my life, the best conversations I can remember having were with my science teacher, so that's a pretty clear picture of where my social life was at. That loneliness was not permanent, but it has returned off and on over the years.
Loneliness is a hard thing to write about, because it makes me sound like an accuser. I have great parents who are very interested in my life, and a handful of caring friends. My loneliness is not their fault. It's also a hard to talk about as a Christian, because if God is all you have, you have all you need, right? 
I know that being popular is not important, and it's not what I want. I just want to feel like I'm not bothering people every time I want to start a conversation, and I wish I wasn't always the one who has to reach out, instead of the one being reached out too. Honestly, I could probably have a million friends and still feel lonely. It's a very internalized thing that feels like it's just a part of who I am. And as an introvert, I think having a million friends would be exhausting.
I don't know exactly why I am prone to this feeling of loneliness, perhaps it's some weakness in my DNA. It's one of my least favorite things about myself, something I try not to talk about much. But I decided to mention it just this once, In case this feeling is someone else can relate to. Perhaps there is someone who just needs to know that I understand the feeling, and that they are not alone in it.

No comments:

Post a Comment