I begin to write this very hesitantly, because I'm not sure I'm ready. I haven't really wanted to talk about how I feel lately, because some of my feelings haven't been very pretty. While I have been very encouraged by the amount of love that has been shown to me by so many people, there is always the underlying fact that I did not get to go on the mission trip that I was so excited about, and I just can't seem to let it go.
I really thought that I was supposed to go on that trip, and when I found out I couldn't I was very confused and hurt. The frustration I had really went down to the very core of my faith. I wondered why this God that I have decided to put my faith in would not allow me to go on a trip to share His love with children who desperately need it, and instead make me have surgery which is painful and scary. It felt like He did not want my service, and did not care about how upset I was. I felt like instead of being the hands and feet of God like we try to be as members of this mission team, I was more like His tonsils, a part that can be removed while the body continues to function.
But as I have turned these thoughts over in my mind these past weeks, I have slowly realized something. . What kind of testimony am I presenting if I give up just because life is difficult right now? I can't see the reason for all of this disappointment yet, but isn't the certainty of what we cannot see the very definition of the faith I claim to have? I I have never heard anyone give a testimony about how their life has always been easy, and I think there is a lesson to be learned from that. I have come to the realization that times like these are what I think faith is for. It's really nice when everything is happy and fun, but when difficult things happen that I can't understand, that's when I actually have to use faith. By thinking about how I should turn my back on God because I don't like what he's doing right now, I am showing how weak my faith really is.