I have been wanting to get back to my usual flow of writing every other day, but it just hasn't happened. My thoughts seem to be all over the place lately, and it's hard to collect them neatly into organized paragraphs. My writing has been limited lately, and I think for two main reasons. It's partly because there just doesn't seem to be anything to talk about right now other than the fact that I didn't go on the mission trip, and I think I've really covered that enough at this point. The other part is something that was a little harder to figure out.
Although I like to think I am self confident now, and I am way more than I used to be, I have realized that there is still a part of me that is always seeking approval from other people, and I think that really gets in my way sometimes. I sometimes get so worried that people won't like what I write that I don't write anything at all. When I think about that, it's kind of silly because no one asked me to start a blog, it's something I did for myself. But writing isn't the only area of my life where I seek the approval of others. First I worried that I was not recovering from my surgery fast enough because I was really tired and sleeping a lot, and then it switched and I started worrying that I was recovering too fast because people would come visit and comment that I looked just fine. I know that seems ridiculous to say, but that's just how my mind works. Aside from trying to make the world understand my rate of recovery there is another area of my life where I am always unconsciously seeking approval. I know that many people are aware of what I believe, and like it or not, people have strong ideas about how Christians are supposed to act. One hard lesson I learned from my first year of college is that people who do not agree with your beliefs are often very quick to point out when you're not acting in a way that they think expresses those beliefs. It's exhausting always having to be on guard trying to never do anything wrong, and it was probably wrong of me to believe that I had to be that way constantly. I know that I should always try to do what's right, but I am finally learning that there are just some people who will find a way to criticize you no matter what you do, and I have to just let that go.
It is so comforting to know that God does not ask for the opinions of people. When he is judging me, he won't turn to someone else and ask them to report on my behavior. It's all up to Him, and I think it's time I