Besides having finals on my mind, I have just been feeling unsatisfied with other things. I sent in a resume for a summer job that I really want, and it's starting to seem like my chances aren't looking so good. I am also in the process of making changes in my academic life that I know are necessary, but seem like they go against everything I have tried to avoid in the past.
To top it all off, my mind has decided that now would be a great time to start thinking about Honduras more frequently. It's hard to push that excitement aside and focus on getting through this next week and a half.
However yesterday I had a small breakthrough in my restlessness. I heard a Matthew West song that I have never heard before, which was of course quite exciting to me. Now excuse me for a minute while I go into overly emotional song interpretation mode, I promise this won't happen often.
As I listened to the lyrics, I was thinking about myself. Not in a narcissistic way, I just felt like I could relate to it. Matthew West wrote the song after he met a little girl with Down Syndrome. Obviously I can't directly relate to that, but I do know what it's like to feel different. A few lyrics in particular stood out to me. And I confess when I first met her, I was thinking life's not fair. But then she threw her arms around me, and it all became so clear, God bless the last ones.
How often do I let myself dwell on the unfair aspects of life, and compare my life to everyone else's? How often do I get frustrated and discouraged when things are hard for me. I was reminded of the girls I met in Honduras, who taught me that you can be happy even when you are is a situation that seems completely unfair and undeserved, one that you never asked for. It's so easy for me to get caught up in the issues of everyday life like grades and finding a job. It's easy for me to think of myself as "less than" because of things I have no control over. But deep down I know that thinking that way is not productive, and won't help me at all. Being discontent about these things happens when I forget that I am this way for a reason, and that there are actually things in life more important that final exam grades. I can't wait for this period of restlessness to be over, and to go back to Honduras and regain my perspective on what's really important.