Monday, April 21, 2014

What I Want Sometimes

     I try not to spend a lot of time thinking about the fact that I have a disability. There's nothing I can do to change it, so there's really no point in dwelling on it. Occasionally though, I go through times where I struggle with it. Lately I have been going through one of those times.
     Some of my complaints may be superficial. I know there are more important things in life, but if we're being honest, sometimes that's not the point. Sometimes I just want to wear a dress and be able to wear cute shoes with it, and not have to wear socks up to my knees to cover my braces.Sometimes I wish I had a body that was tall and slim, not short and stout and covered with scars from various surgeries. Sometimes I want people to stare at me because they think I'm pretty, not because they think I walk funny. Sometimes I want to run around and easily keep up with everyone. Sometimes I want strangers to look me in the eye when they talk to me, not at my feet.  Sometimes I want people to base their first impression of me on my personality, not on the way I walk, which I have very little control over. Sometimes I want to stop discovering new areas of my life that my disability affects.  Sometimes I just don't want to be me.
     These feelings, I suppose, are not politically correct. I am supposed to believe that the world doesn't judge me on things I can't help, and that everyone is equal. But I am no longer a child, and I know that the world doesn't work that way. I know that people are going to make judgments of me that I can't change. And, though people will probably try to convince me otherwise, I know that I will never be considered beautiful by the world's standards.
     The good thing about the times where I think about these things is that they are usually short. Pretty soon, I will become distracted by life and these thoughts will recede into the back of my mind. But when these thoughts do come around, I try to remember that God made me this way on purpose. He doesn't see me as less than other people. In His eyes, everyone is equal. Hopefully one day, I will learn to see myself the way God sees me.

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