Tuesday, June 17, 2014

A Whole New Look

     When I decided to start a blog, I must have been having a moment of uncharacteristic courage. It probably helped that I was miles away from anyone that would read it, and that I had lots of fun, positive things to write about at that time. It did not occur to me in that moment that there would come a time when I would experience emotions that are not necessarily something I want to share with people, because they are not easy to admit to and they are not reflective of who I want to be as a person. 
    When I lost my job, I experienced many emotions, none of them good. I was sad, shocked, confused, and more and more as each day passed, angry. I was angry that someone thought they could treat me this way and get away with it, and angry at the realization that this may not be the last time I experience a situation where I am treated wrongly because of my disability. Many people I talked to encouraged me to take action about the situation and stand up for my rights, which I did try to do. But I did not get immediate results, and that was very frustrating to me. I felt that I had legitimate complaints that no one was listening to and I didn't let it go after I had done everything I could do. I started to become very consumed with anger, and it was not a fun state to be in. Anger is a hard emotion for me to process because I honestly don't feel it very often. I am more likely to become upset and hurt over things as opposed to directly feeling anger.
     Through a lot of unpleasant discussion and realization. I am finally starting to accept that it's time to move on. I made the situation about my job known to every legitimate source I know of, and there's nothing else I can do at this point unless I take it to a whole other level where I just don't want to go. I have to accept that this situation is not going to end with some dramatic display of justice where everyone is put in their place and I am the winner. As hard as it is for me, it's time to let it go and focus on other things.
     I know that it's going to be hard for me and I know that there will probably be times when I backslide into my anger, and hesitate to trust new opportunities because of the way this one turned out, but I am ready to try to be happy again.
     Since this is a time of moving on for me, and I was tired of looking at those boring blue mountains, it seemed like a good time to redesign the blog. I hardly know anything about doing that, so I basically just clicked on different things until I came up with something that looked good to me. Knowing me, I will probably look at it tomorrow and want to change it again but for now I am happy with it. I hope this is the beginning of a return to discussing things other than anger and hard times, and that this  choice to begin letting go of anger will be a defining moment for me.

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