Friday, June 6, 2014

It Just Makes Sense.

    Tomorrow (or actually today since I am writing this the night before I post it), we will be having our last fundraiser for the mission trip. As we were at the church setting up, I was thinking about how it all came so quickly, and how it's becoming so real that I really do get to go have this experience again. There is always a small part of me that wishes someone would ask me why I chose to go on this mission trip in the first place, and why I am going again, but no one ever has. So since I decided to share my feelings with whoever chooses to read them although no one asked, I figured I might as well continue this trend and answer the question that no one asked.
     I chose to go on this mission trip last year because I felt that I was called to do so, and I am choosing to go this year because I am certain that I am called to do so. I don't use the term "called" very often because it is such a strong word, in fact I don't think I've ever said it out loud, but it feels appropriate here because that's how strongly I feel about this. I chose to do this because despite having to accept that some people I formed bonds with last year will not be returning with us, despite not being able to attend all of the fundraisers and get to know the team this year, despite every negative thing my human mind could dream up, there was never a moment when I considered that not going was even an option for me.
    I wish so much that I could explain it in a more profound way, because as I writer I'm not a fan of letting such a big thing sound so simple, but the truth is it just makes sense and that's really all there is to it. It just makes sense to me to go to a place where I feel so loved, and where I feel that I really am doing something meaningful. Last year I got on a plane, which I have never done before, and flew to a place that I had read was the most dangerous city in the world. So how could it be that as soon as we arrived at the orphanage and I received the first of many hugs from those children, I felt like I had found something that I didn't even know I was searching for?
     There are a lot of things in life that are hard for me to understand and accept. Things like the fact that I will always be different because of a condition that I had no choice in having, and the physical, and now maybe even mental, consequences of that condition. Things like accepting the fact that any friends of mine could be gone at any moment, and that leaders that I look up to often have to move on to other things.
     The experience of being with these children in Honduras was unlike anything I had ever experienced because there was absolutely no doubt involved, and nothing that had to be figured out. This sounds more like a love story than a description of a mission trip, but it just made sense. It just felt right. I felt like I was doing what I was born to do, and never stopped feeling that way throughout the entire trip. I felt like I was reuniting with long lost friends, when in reality I was meeting completely new people who didn't even speak my language.
I am constantly trying to explain how much this mission means to me,and I just don't feel like I'm doing it well enough, which makes me think that maybe it's time to stop trying. Maybe it's not my job to make everyone else understand what I do. That's why for this post, I will take a break from trying to convince people to please read my blog and maybe even share it. Maybe it's time to realize that I've said what I feel the need to say, and that this is not all about me and my desire for people to get something out of the things I write and for the amount of people who read my writing to grow. I think it's time for me to realize that God will take care of exposing the right people to the things I am saying, and whether that means zero or a hundred people should not be something that I try to control.

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